


Omeletes, Death Threats, and Asinine Morons

by Enchiridion88



Series: CartoonStuck [2]
Category: Adventure Time, Homestuck, Regular Show
Genre: Death Threats, Gen, Humor, Insufferable Pricks, Love Drama Llama, Omeletes, One-Shot, RaPS - Freeform, cross-over, losers - Freeform, pesterchum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:25:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3720205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enchiridion88/pseuds/Enchiridion88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake spends a rather mellow Saturday morning with cheesy eggs, chuckling off psychopaths, and confronting an absolute asinine moron...One-Shot teaser for an upcoming six-way crossover.<br/>-Critique appreciated-</p>
            </blockquote>





	Omeletes, Death Threats, and Asinine Morons

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second of 5 one shots that will preview my 6-way Homestuck Crossover.

Finn the human wakes to the sensational aroma of a freshly made omelet supreme. The sixteen year old hero leaps from his bed and quickly changes into his uniform of a blue shirt, blue shorts, sneakers, and green backpack. His famous white hat never leave his head.

He jumps with acrobatic grace down the ladder into the treehouse kitchen and throws in a few somersaults for artistic flare. At the stove stands a rather groggy looking Jake the dog. He wears a red bathrobe and bunny slippers, despite almost never wearing clothes in his life.

"Hey, what's bakin' Jake'n?" Finn casually asks.

"Hmm, not much man," Jake replies as he turns to face his bro. He dons a five o'clock shadow on his face. Considering the fact he can remove it instantly with his stretchy powers yet chooses not to, he means business. Lazy business.

"So... you coming?"

"Coming for what?"

The goblin kingdom is being harassed by a horde of domesticated cats. We were supposed to handle it. They're counting on us."

"Nah, man. I'm just feeling kind of a mellow day, you know?" Jake replies

"Jake!"

"Mellooooooooooowwwwwww," Jake moans as he melts into a puddle on the ground.

"Dude... you're totes ridic. Anyway, can you at least give me a head start?"

"Oh yeah, sure," Jake says as he grows back to full size. "Ally'oop!" he shouts as he grabs Finn with his stretchy powers and sends him hurling through the ceiling into the air. Finn lets out a "wee" before becoming no more than a dot in the sky.

"Hehe, oh Finn."

With him gone, Jake uses his powers to reach up to a hole between the wall and the ceiling. He retrieves his laptop from it's hiding place. These things are super rare and he's surprised just to find one.

He sets it up next to his cooking omelet and turns it on. The deafening "BWAAAIIIHHHH" fills the air, signifying that it is indeed turning on.

Once on, Jake immediately opens to the app, Pesterchum. He has only just gotten this thing, but he's already met a few great friends. It's surprising that people actually own laptops nowadays. They may be the only ones that do in fact!

Just as the app opens, a chat request pops up. Of course, it's Rigby.

  
\- radicalWrestler [RW] began pestering SandwichSnackhead [SS] at 8:13 -  
RW: OOOOOOHHH you ready for that SBURB-biz!  
SS: dude you know it  
SS: ...when does it come out again?  
RW: In a week man. Dude's it's supposed to be tight! So tight! Like "dang this is tight as tight can be!"  
SS: ha can't wait either  
SS: no ones talking about it here though  
SS: no one else is that big into gaming, mostly because no one else really has any  
RW: Sounds like you're living in CHUMPTOWN!  
SS: whatever bro  
RW: So what is up Jake?  
SS: haha not much man, just chillin with some brekky  
RW: Brekky?  
SS: you know, breakfast, gotta have my chomps  
RW: That reminds me that Im starving  
SS: wow man, i see ya  
SS: just forgetting how to live  
SS: its cool, it happens to the best of us  
RW: Aww dude!  
SS: what?  
RW: Don't be like that. I was gonna eat something later  
SS: were you? were you really?  
RW: Yes!  
SS: were you really? like for reals?  
RW: ...  
RW: brb  
SS: hehe  
SS: cant outsmart the jakester  
SS: cant lie to me man  
SS: gotcha all figured out  
SS: but dude, why you gotta miss brekky?  
SS: thats the most important thing SS: it's more important than life itself  
SS: like when the great glob came down the first thing he created was brekky  
SS: cause he knew how bad the peeps were without it  
SS: then it was like "oh glob dude thanks"  
SS: and he was like "no problem"  
SS: and it blew everyones minds  
SS: cuz brekky makes you smarter  
SS: so the peeps got smart and thats when they won against the dinosaurs  
SS: but then that led to the mushroom war and all that other crazy bad smart sutff  
SS: *stuff  
SS: at least i think so  
SS: i dont know i never paid much attention in class  
SS: or ever went to class  
RW: Holy S dude what the hell?!  
RW: I'm gone for like two mins and you just spilt spagety all over the place.  
SS: i dont see anything wrong here  
RW: Are you sure YOU didn't eat your brekky?  
SS: hey you stop that!  
SS: i eat a balanced diet of 5 meals a day  
SS: i got my brekky problems all figured out  
RW: whatEVER dude  
SS: anyway, whatcha got?  
RW: Got me some Oats. Got me some toast  
RW: Know I'm it's so fly that your brekky's a roast  
RW: Cuz when Rigby's on the grill it'll be the most  
RW: I know it seems trashy but I totes deserve to BOOOOOAAAASSSTTT  
SS: man those rhymes are weak just like your oats  
SS: now sit down little boy and take some notes  
SS: gotta 4 egg omelet so fluffy that it floats  
SS: stuffed with so much cheesy goodness you'll bah like goats  
SS: oj from the biggest juicy oranges that are all bloats  
SS: its no contest my brekky is so totesssssssssssssssssssssssss  
SS: ...the best  
RW: Aw what, that's cheating!  
SS: sorry but your brekkys still beat  
SS: you cant outchef the master chef  
SS: or dish out sicker fires  
RW: maybe PG could outchef you  
SS: what? no  
SS: dude  
RW: that's something I would pay money to see  
RW: "This week on Bronze Chef...  
RW: Watch this jake dingus get rekkt by the big man himself!"  
SS: dude, what are you even talking about?  
RW: Whatever. Anyway, gtg. Getting a call  
RW: Text  
RW: Message thing  
RW: Whatever!  
SS: haha okay man, i might hit up PG after this  
SS: later  
\- SandwichSnackhead [SS] ceased pestering radicalWrestler [RW] at 8:24 -

Jake proceeds to chuckle for a while about his most recent conversation with his best internet friend. He honestly never thought he'd use that term, much less have an friend over the internet. Who else in Ooo even has computer access? Also, where the Glob does he even live? Jake has never quite deciphered from their conversations where exactly Rigby lives.

These puzzling thoughts remain in Jake's head for a grand total of ten whole seconds before being immediately forgotten as the thoughts of another cheese omelet flood his head.

Just as he's about to take a bite of his omelet, the computer rings and a new chat window comes springing up. Jake reacts by dropping his omelet and shattering his plate on the ground.

Oh here we go...

  
gallowsCalibrator [ GC] began trolling Sandwich Snackhead [SS]  
GC: H3H3H3  
SS: what  
GC: H4H4H4H4  
SS: oh you're one of those cave trolls  
GC: SUR3 I 4M  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4  
SS: whats so funny  
GC: LOL!  
GC: >:]  
SS: huh  
GC: >:?  
SS: youre actually not that bad  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
SS: hehe  
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4  
SS: hahaha  
GC: >:0  
SS: uh  
GC: J4K3, WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 D1S4BL3D P3RSON?!  
SS: uh  
GC: TH4T 1S SO RUD3! D:  
GC: YOU D1SGUST M3!  
SS: neat  
GC: WH3N 1 S33 YOU, I'LL R1P OUT YOUR TONGU3 4ND M4K3 YOU SW4LLOW 1T 4S 1 SM3LL YOU CHOK3 TO D34TH FOR TH1S 1NJUST1C3!  
GC: GO D13 1N 4 TR33F1R3!  
SS: heh  
SS: heheheheh  
GC: >:?  
SS: hahahahahahaha  
SS: youre alright strange troll man  
GC: 1'M 4 G1RL YOU D1SGUST1NG FL4RP GOBL1N!  
GC: WH3N JUST1C3 1S S3RV3D YOU'LL B3 4 H34P1NG P1L3 OF D3L1C1OUS SM3LL1NG BLOOD 4ND M1S3RY!  
GC: BY3!  
GC: >;]  
gallowsCalibrator [ GC] ceased trolling Sandwich Snackhead [SS]

Well she seemed nice.

Almost without delay, another chat window miraculously opens on its own. Jake instantly groans upon further inspection of the name.

  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling SandwichSnackhead [SS]  
CG: HEY DUMBASS.  
SS: uuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh  
CG: QUIT YOUR ELONGATED USAGE OF OVEREXAGERATED LETTERS TO BE "OH SO GODDAMN COOL" AND IRONIC AND SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH FOR ONCE.  
CG: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR TEAM'S COMPLETE INSATIABLE DESIRE TO COMPLETELY CRASH AND BURN LIKE THE PUTRID SHITS THEY ARE.  
SS: make me  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CHALLENGING ME SHITHEAD?  
SS: sorry was reply to the first thing  
SS: but yeah  
CG: I CAN'T F***ING BELIEVE THIS RIGHT NOW.  
SS: where were we?  
CG: F***!  
CG: F*** F***F***F***!  
CG: GOGDAMMIT! YOU HAVE THAT SHITTY ** THING TOO?!  
SS: yeah haha thats great  
SS: i think we all have one except for LL cuz freaking computers bro  
CG: I AM NOT YOUR "BRO" NOR SHOULD WE CALL EACH OTHER ON ANY SUCH BASIS, WHATEVER THE F*** YOUR BROSHIP IS. HOW CAN ONE HAVE TWO OFFSPRING FOR ONE LUSUS CARETAKER? YOU SICK AMPHOMORPHIC ALIEN F***S ARE THE MOST BACKWARDS BEINGS THE UNIVERSE EVER DECIDED TO SHIT UP! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ASININE CULTURE IS WHAT WE'RE STUCK WITH!  
SS: dude  
SS: what even  
SS: i cant even tell what is going on  
SS: rigby said once you had lady problems  
SS: do you need help?  
CG: I DON'T HAVE ANY "LADY PROBLEMS" YOU BULGESUCKLING SPAGHETTI ARMED FAGGOT! ALL OF MY SHIT IS IN ORDER AND MIGHT AS WELL BE MONITORED BY A F***ING TEAM OF SPECIALISTS AND SCIENTISTS ALL NODDING THEIR HEADS SAYING "KARKAT YOU ARE THE MOST SLY AND LEADERLY TROLL TO EVER LIVE AND YOU ARE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY"  
CG: BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE A MONGOLOID TWAT WHO SITS AROUND WITH HIS FISTS IN HIS MOUTH AND HIS BEADY EYES PERVERTING UP THE PLACE!  
CG: YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TRYING TO INTERCEDE ON MY AFFAIRS!  
SS: dude... sounds like you have some serious lady problems  
CG: F*** OFF YOU WANDERING CHEESE TAFFY. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE COMPLICATIONS OF TROLL ROMANCE!  
SS: i have kids  
CG: ...  
CG: F*** YOU!  
CG: F***! TURN THIS SHIT OFF!  
SS: hehe nah man  
SS: anyway whats up doc  
CG: AH YES. GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC ON HAND BEFORE WE WERE SIDETRACKED.  
SS: by you  
CG: MOVING ON!  
SS: hehe  
CG: YOUR TEAM TURNS OUT TO BE ABSOLUTE SHIT LATER ON. YOU NEED TO WATCH THEM AND MAKE SURE THEY DON'T RUIN EVERYTHING.  
CG: YOU SHOULD BE THE FIRST ONE INTO THE MEDIUM BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. BUT IF YOU DON'T, THEN STOP TRYING TO PLACE THE VALUE OF KITCHEN FIRES ABOVE THE LITTLE GAY ONE THAT IS ABOUT THE EXPLODE AND FALL TO HIS DEATH IN THIRTY DIFFERENT WAYS. THANK JEGUS THAT HIS SPRITE WAS THERE.  
CG: ALSO, WATCH THE FURRY ONE WITH HER GODDAMN TIME SHENANIGANS. THE LAST THING YOU ASSES NEEDS IS EIGHTY THOUSAND DOOMED TIMELINES. WE NEVER HAD THAT PROBLEM BECAUSE I WAS THE LEADER AND OUR TEAM WAS CUNNING, FAST, EFFICIENT, AND WELL DEVELOPED UNLIKE YOUR MOTLEY CREW OF SPRINKLED DICK.  
CG: FURTHERMORE, WATCH THAT POINTY EARED BASTARD CHILD THAT YOU CALL "BRO".  
SS: what are you talking about?  
CG: THE GAME, DUFUS!  
SS: sburb?  
CG: YES!  
SS: the game?  
CG: SWEET JEGUS, FINALLY. AND AFTER THE TWELFTH HOUR OF THE TWELFTH HOWEVER THE HELL THIS QUOTE GOES, THE GODDAMN SMUG JAKE FINALLY REACHED THE EPITOME OF CLARITY AND ACHIEVED THE IQ LEVEL OF TWELVE; A MIRACULOUS AND HOLY OCCASION.  
CG: PRAISE BE TO YOU JAKE, YOUR RADNESS AND IRONY. ALL HAIL YOU KING INTELLIGENT SLEUTH OF THE LORE AND DIVINE SAVIOR OF THE WAYWARD LOST SOULS YEARNING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE!  
SS: wow  
CG: THERE, YOU UNDERSTAND NOW?!  
SS: i think so yeah  
CG: GOOD!  
SS: yeah  
SS: thanks for the rad compliments yo  
SS: sorry to break your heart but im dating princess rainicorn  
SS: cant be datin random internet trolls  
CG: WHAT?!  
SS: haha dude its just a game  
SS: you dont have to sabotage us beforehand  
SS: not that it was working anyway dude  
SS: what is this game anyway like an fps multiplayer? rigbys obsessed with it and idk y  
SS: whats your crappy clan composed of?  
CG: NO! THAT'S NOT IT!  
SS: do you quickscope?  
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE BLABBERING ABOUT!  
SS: holy crap you do  
SS: do you montage?  
SS: do you put little memes and dubstep as you blast dudes up the allyoop slam dunk for the touchdown?  
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?!  
SS: haha nice try  
SS: ill be seeing you eventually  
SS: this was great well have to do it again  
CG: NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!  
SS: see ya  
CG: GET BACK HERE!  
SS: blocked  
CG: JAKE!  
Sandwich Snackhead [SS] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
CG: F***!

Well, that was fun.

Jake simply chuckled to himself in between bites of omelet. That guy was hilarious. "Kitkat"? Or whatever is name was.

Does he like the psychopathic chick? Probably. On the other hand, she seemed way too out of his pathetic league. It may be someone else instead. Or he may actually like Jake. Who the heck really knows?

Or rather, who cares?

In the meantime, there was one person Jake was meaning to chat with: someone Rigby suggested earlier. Someone who deserved a real smackdown up the downways.

This had to happen.

  
\- SandwichSnackhead [SS] began pestering plumpusGoodness [PG] at 9:05 -  
PG: Hey Jake!!!!  
SS: were doin it bro  
PG: ?  
SS. were making it happen  
PG: Oooooooooohhh I see what's going on here  
PG: >:D  
PG: You're going down...


End file.
